crime

This week being rather un-notable I can at this time only report the occurrence of two odd crimes during my Tuesday evening run.

First, I encountered two tiny women awkwardly unloading an old couch in the shadows of the mighty Henry Hudson Bridge. I could see the glint of evil in their eyes as they climbed back into their SUVette and casually drove away, obviously cold and hardened criminals. Who does one call to report a situation such as this? The Department of Homeland Security? The Sanitation Department? Either way, something has to be done about these guerrilla davenport dumpings, because this problem isn't going away.

Then, on the same night, I see young punks throwing large rocks (or small boulders) on top of an innocent Nissan Sentra. More notable than the crime was the surprisingly anti-climactic sound effects. 30+ years of television viewing had prepared me for a more dramatic and cacophonous sound resulting from 10 lb rocks being hurled from the top of a 20 ft hill onto a Japanese subcompact. For this reason I think that government regulation of sound effects is necessary, especially in the era of reality television. In a stupid and oddly-timed burst of community service, I chased them away. This I also blame on television, which has conditioned us to believe that good always wins over evil and that there is a little Jean Claude in every one of us.

Moral of the story: carry your cell phone everywhere.